I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
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The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
This is classic penis vs brain.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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