Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
