At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
