I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
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Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
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I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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