Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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