Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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