Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
