Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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