Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
