it was like his penis was on wheels.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
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He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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