I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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