thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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