Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
