Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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