if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
