I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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