I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
