and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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