I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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