i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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