He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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