Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
