we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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