I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
