you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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