Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
