I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize