he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
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Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
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Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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