The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
