New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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