you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
