Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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