Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
