if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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