the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
