I just gift wrapped bread.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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