My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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