When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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