the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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