My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
