Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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