i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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