Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
