After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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