I have demons in me.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
