I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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