i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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