Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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