I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
