my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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