hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Let's get the cat blown out
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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