I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
