His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
