Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
