Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
