I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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