Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
