we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
