I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
